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A Very Minty Christmas Review (transcript)
ILoveKimPossibleAlot: Wait, isn't there only one MLP Christmas themed... anything? (Grasshopper chirping sound effect. Screen now says "Copyright Disclaimer Under Section 107 of Copyright Act 1976, allowance is made for 'Fair Use' purposes such as CRITICISM, comment, news reporting, teaching, scholarship, and research. Fair use is permitted by copyright statute that otherwise might be infringing. Non-profit, educational, or personal use tips the balance in favor of fair use. This video is NOT a substitute for the animation in question.") Mr. Enter: Are you guys gonna tell her or do I have to? Yeah, I know I was supposed to do a G3 episode, like, five atrocities ago, but you know what they say, better late than never. Yeah, well, it doesn't apply here. Because now we're getting into the full feature-length crap. Twenty-two minutes is hard enough to stomach, but now I've got an hour long piece of shit. It starts on what looks like the last day of winter, and then we're hit immediately with a song. Song: Drifting through the air is the laughter that we share, with our dearest friends once more. And that's what I love about Christmas. Hard to believe that it's almost here. '' Mr. Enter: Alright, this song actually isn't that bad. Or it wouldn't be if it didn't go on for, like, four minutes. And the lyrics are really, ''really ''bland. Except for this one line. Song: ''Snowflakes in a swirl, every boy and every girl bundled up in red and green. Mr. Enter: Does that particular line strike anyone else's odd in an episode of generation 3 of My Little Pony? (Two ponies are staring at the camera.) Mr. Enter: They're staring... into my soul... Make it stop, please. At the two minute mark of this song, I'm about ready to fall asleep. This song is almost like a lullaby. There are, like, five different places it could end, but it doesn't. Song: -''love about Christmas. Have a merry one this year. Snowflakes in a- (cut) ''-merry one this year. The Santa Clause sleigh will be hea- ''(cut) ''Have a merry one this year. Carols in the park-'' Mr. Enter: You'll also notice that they're reusing animation from A Charming Birthday. But the clips that they use are a lot... cleaner. I don't know if they traced over it or whatever, but, it's incredibly odd. It seems like they took extra effort to be cheap. ...I don't get it. So we cut to three ponies trying to make candy canes, and one of them gets tangled in lights. Alright, it takes three ponies to make candy canes, and one of them gets tangled up in lights during the process. Why are they not all dead yet? Cotton Candy: Hey! It's the Here Comes Christmas Candy Cane! I didn't know you two were starting this! (Captions: 15 seconds prior.) Triple Treat: -glitter, and blue and blueberry flavored. Sweetberry: Sweet! What do you think, Cotton Candy? Mr. Enter: Or is that supposed to be a joke? I thought that Minty was supposed to be the stupid one. If you wanna know what they're calling a conflict in this special, they're trying to figure out what color and flavor to make some important candy cane. I guess it's okay, because that candy cane is ''very ''important. And then, that pony suggests... Cotton Candy: You're right! Add some mint, and you have pinky-mint! Mr. Enter: Apparently, Pinkie is supposed to do something important, and Minty... well, the movie is named after her, so she's probably going to do something important. (Triple Treat and Sweetberry look at the camera.) Mr. Enter: GAH! Stop trying to stare into my ''soul! You can't have it! We cut to other ponies making a snowman, who decide to go to the big tree because Pinkie is about to give a speech. Alright, first of all, I highly doubt she's capable of doing something like that. Secondly, I still think that she wants everyone- Oh great, it's Minty. A carrot falls off of the snowman, and in trying to fix it, she decapitates ''the thing! She fixes him, and ties a sock around his neck. Ah, I see! That looks ''so ''incredibly stupid. So, Pinkie begins her speech. The first thing she wants to do is thank last year's host, Rainbow Dash. (Caption pointing at Rainbow Dash: Why is Rainbow cheering too?) Mr. Enter: Wow, we-we're starting off strong, aren't we? Sunny Daze: We love you, Rainbow Dash! Mr. Enter: Rainbow Dash has been shipped with everyone and everything. DON'T MAKE IT EASIER!!!! Pinkie Pie: We do love you, Rainbow Dash! Mr. Enter: And there the shippers go. So, Pinkie starts her speech. Every year, they make a special candy cane and place it on top of the tree. It's sprinkled with magic dust that allows Santa to see through the clouds and find Ponyville. Remember that. Thistle Whistle: Clouds? (whistles) Did she say clouds? Why does it have to be clouds? Mr. Enter: Says the Pegasus that doesn't even live in Ponyville... Some other pegasi come and place the candy cane on top of the tree. And here's comes Minty, trying to get through all the other ponies. H-Hey, Minty, there's an open spot right there! (arrow points to the spot) And there's only one row of ponies, you can just walk around. Or you can force your way through... Oh, by the way! Minty now has some strange obsession with socks that came out of nowhere. Believe it or not, that's going to be ''incredibly ''important. The pegasi put the candy cane on top of the tree, and there is much celebration. Pinkie Pie rallies everyone to get going and... (The ponies are cheering and jogging in place before running off.) Random Pony #1: I'm gonna put lights up everywhere! Random Pony #2: I'm gonna help- Mr. Enter: What the hell was that movement?! Did they have to rev up their engines or something? (The scene of the ponies jogging in place is shown again, but a revving up car sound is heard.) Mr. Enter: Minty sees the candy cane, and... Minty: Oh. Maybe it needs to be a smidge to the left. Mr. Enter: How long until she breaks it? (Caption: 2 and a half minutes.) Mr. Enter: 2 and a half minutes? What happens until then? (Caption: Absolutely nothing of substance.) Mr. Enter: Good to know. Yeah, Minty breaks the candy cane. Minty: What am I gonna do?! I broke the special, bright, shiny, pink, one-of-a-kind Here Comes Christmas candy cane into a bunch of crackly pieces! Mr. Enter: ...Make another one? No, seriously, it took them less than an hour to make the first one, and they never explain why they can't make another one. No limited magic, no limited ingredients. They just can't make it because... potatoes. Minty: -into? I've ruined Christmas for everybody! Mr. Enter: It took you this long? So, Minty goes walking through the town, and she gets suggested to talk to Pinkie. Rainbow Dash: Oh, darling, you can never have too much of something you love. Mr. Enter: Take your pick. (Caption says "Candy, Alcohol, Cookies, Money, Fame, Drugs, Cake, Cheeseburgers, Electricity, Time, Work, Pizza, Knowledge, Tacos, Mudkips, Sandwiches, Video Games, Arsenic, Lantern Oil, Rupees, Television, Tetris, Balloons, Chairs, Butterflies, Rock Music, Heroine, Garlic, Flatulence, Golf, Licorice, Bubble Gum, Soda, Catan Cards, Relationships, Redundancy, Relationships, Pinkie Pie.") Mr. Enter: Minty comes in and manages to screw even more stuff up. Minty tries to tell Pinkie that she broke the candy cane, but no one listens to her. Pinkie Pie: -can't stop Christmas from coming! Minty: Unless you're me... Mr. Enter: Wow, not even the Grinch succeeded in doing what Minty just did. That is an accomplishment. Speaking of the Grinch... Minty: That's it! I will be Santa, and give everyone a great present! Mr. Enter: Yeah, that's about as stupid an idea as you think it is. Minty goes looking around her house for something to give her friends, and she comes to the conclusion to give her friends all socks. Wow, Minty, you stopped your friends from getting exactly what they wanted for Christmas, and instead, you're giving them ''socks. And she's incredibly excited about this. She's so ''excited, she sings a ''song ''about her ''socks. (Music starts.) Minty: They can be plain or fancy. '' Mr. Enter: Fucking ''shoot ''me! ''Right now! ''Nevermind that the instrumentation is all over the place, the lyrics are shit, and the imagery is bizarre as all hell! It's a song about FUCKING SOCKS!!!! Minty: ''But nothin' says Christmas, merry, merry Christmas! Nothin' says Christmas like a pair... of... socks! '' Mr. Enter: Yeah, kids! You should be happy that all your parents got you for Christmas is- You know what? It's not even worth it. It's a song about FUCKING SOCKS!!!! What do you need me for?! So after... ''that, Minty starts breaking into her friends' houses and leaving socks everywhere. Or, rather she looks for a place to put the socks. She eventually decides to hang them over the fireplace, because... stockings. This scene eventually goes on for quite some time, and unlike most Christmas specials, it lacks any sense of charm. Eventually, she makes it to Pinkie's house, where she accidentally wakes her up. Pinkie wants to know why Minty broke into her house. Oh no, wait. She wants to know why Minty's got a sock on her head. Pinkie Pie: What's wrong with the real Santa? Minty: Broken... Pinkie Pie: You broke Santa? Mr. Enter: Ha. Eventually, Minty admits what she's done. Pinkie Pie: (angry) Oh, Minty! Whoa, Minty! Mr. Enter: What the fuck was that?! Can G3 ponies not hold two emotions simultaneously? Actually, that's something I could believe. It's still awkward as hell though. Random Guy: Hey Bob, we got two decent takes of this one. Which one you wanna use? Bob: I don't know, choosing would take effort, just use them both. Mr. Enter: Pinkie, however, has a way for Minty to atone for her sins. Pinkie Pie: This is it! I feel it! Minty: I feel it too! (laughs) What am I feeling? Pinkie Pie: Leave town! Mr. Enter: EXILE!!!! You know what, I'm all for that idea! ("One of Us" from Disney's "The Lion King" plays in the background over a few clips.) Mr. Enter: (claps) Good job on you, Pinkie! No, actually, Pinkie suggests that Minty goes to the north pole. Sure, why not? That's not like every'' other Christmas special ''ever. So, Minty goes off to the north pole. And on her way to the balloon, she alerts Thistle Whistle, who isn't sleeping for some reason. So, Minty tells Thistle Whistle her plan. Thistle is concerned for Minty, but isn't willing to go with her, because, as we've established, the flying ''Pegasus, who lives in a completely different town far away, is afraid of clouds. Finally, Pinkie runs after her, saying that when she said Minty should go, didn't mean that she should go alone. But Minty going alone increases the chances that she might die, and reduces the collateral damage. Eventually, Thistle decides to follow Minty... through the clouds. Meanwhile, Minty knocks over the fucking Christmas tree! Minty: Okay, look, this is okay! I hope the wind knows the way to the north pole! Mr. Enter: Sure, let's go with that! The rest of the ponies come outside to see that the tree has been toppled, and Pinkie tells them what happened. Pinkie Pie: Minty accidentally broke it into a bunch of crackly little pieces. Mr. Enter: Why is she saying that like it's something that she expected to happen? Oh yeah, she's talking about Minty. So, Pinkie decides to round up the other ponies to find Minty and rescue her. And somehow, Minty makes it to the north pole. I skipped nothing, this is literally the next scene. Minty: It's the real north pole! There it is! (the wind blows her away) And there it goes! Mr. Enter: Good to know that God wants to fuck with her, too. Thistle Whistle finds her lost in the clouds, and ends up- (Minty and Thistle bump noses) Stop giving the shippers ''ammo! Thistle Whistle suggests that they go back to Ponyville, despite them just flying by the north pole. You guys have already reached your destination, there's no point in going back until you accomplished what you wanted to do! Then we see the entire town in balloons, trying to fly after Minty. And Minty happens to be in a bit of trouble with her balloon popping over a cliff. And it just so happens that the rest of the town finds them in that one spot pretty much instantly. As Minty falls, she ends up in Pinkie's balloon, and- (Pinkie and Minty hug) Stop giving the shippers ammo! Then they all fly back to the north pole. So what, is the north pole, like, a mile off from Ponyville? Otherwise, there's no logical way that... Logic? (laughs) Logic, who the fuck am I kidding? Santa left Minty a note. They've missed Santa, and Minty is all distraught. But, none of them are angry. Star Catcher: You've brought us to the most magical place of all! (cut) I meant in here! (points to Minty's heart) Mr. Enter: Aww, how remarkably corny! All of a sudden... I have no fucking clue. They all get a glowing aura, and their empty homes do, too. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that they're all dead! They all froze outside, standing at the north fucking pole, and those are their ghosts! (Music plays. The ponies laugh.) Thistle Whistle: Look, everybody! The clouds are clearing up! Mr. Enter: The sky's are as clear as they've been throughout the whole fucking movie! They all go back to Ponyville, and we get another song to pad this thing out. I'm not kidding. They reuse old animation. Again. Now that's a running theme that I expect in this show! Along with those demonic smiles... The song itself is generic as all hell. And they make it back to Ponyville, where the tree is magically fixed with a candy cane on top. And the tree is decorated with Minty's socks. So, Santa could find Ponyville without the candy cane, which means that this tradition was totally pointless. And Santa filled the socks with goodies. Star Catcher: Maybe it's not the glow of a special candy cane that brings Santa to Ponyville every year. But the glow of everyone's love and concern for each other. After all, isn't that the true meaning of Christmas? Mr. Enter: Yeah, there's a reason that How The Grinch Stole Christmas is fondly remembered. The Grinch learns this lesson before he returns the presents! Otherwise, this moral's pretty much just lip service. Oh, and Santa leaves another note. Minty: (reading the note) "Minty, the sock idea is a good one! Mind if I use it from now on?" Mr. Enter: So Minty's the reason that I keep getting socks for Christmas! (pulling the trigger on a gun sound effect is heard) Oh yeah, it's on. I'm gonna finish up here first. They say Merry Christmas, and we get a reprise of the first song, reusing old animation. And that was A Very Minty Christmas. To be fair, it's hard to tell exactly where I'd put this in comparison to the other ones because this is our first feature-length one. And yes, by popular demand, I'll be doing other G3 episodes every six atrocities from now on, because I want to get them all done by the end of 2014. Speaking of that, now that Christmas is over and there are no current animation events that I care about, next time, I'll finally be tackling Lisa Goes Gaga, and they all rejoiced. (A hand is shown holding a card, reading "I herd u were a brownie so i got u this") Mr. Enter: Oh, and to prevent this from happening next year, you guys need to do a better job of telling people the differences between G3 and G4. Then again, there's only one G3 Christmas special. (The DVD cover for My Little Pony: Twinkle Wish Adventure is shown.) What do you mean there's another one?! The only full-length G3.5 special? Well, that'll be a way to finish this off. See you guys next year. (The Nostalgia Critic's song "Generic Song" plays over the credits.)